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Basic Husband's Rights Include Farting Freely in the Bedroom

Today, hot off the press, a landmark ruling by Chief Justice Dano from the court of everday American life. You wives need to study this one closely so you don’t end up dumping your husbands for all the wrong reasons. You know, like, uh, Dano’s ex did!

Awhile back on a slow Sunday at Dano’s pharmacy a couple in their mid fifties asked what was good for diarrhea and gas. It was obvious that they were irritated with each other over something. It was a slow day, so the only sensible thing to do was to get the story out of them, because inquiring Dano’s need to know. Next thing you know, court is in session with the Honorable Judge Dano presiding and the future of their marriage hanging on my all important decision! Some how they must have sensed Dano’s great maturity, wisdom, intelligence and other immense "judge-like" qualities. Ah yes, they were a very perceptive pair and I liked them better already. (Sigh) Some how I seem to attract these situations, to me like manure draws flies!

Our story begins with Billy Joe and wife, Arleen, from Texas. Dancing and dining with friends in Tucson, Saturday, made Billy Joe eat too much chili and drink too much beer.

Arleen: "How can I stop him from over indulging?"

Dano: "Overruled, these social circumstances have always made men over eat and especially over drink."

Arleen: "That is the most ridiculous, sexist thing I have..."

Dano: "Order in the court, order in the court! Sit down and shut your yap, woman!"

Arleen: "Well, ah never..."

Dano: "Don’t make me get legal with you Arleen. Let the trial proceed."

Back at the motel Billy Joe spoiled the romantic moment by "cutting the cheese" between the sheets. To Arleen’s dismay, he began to laugh and giggle about the gas attack and of course the more he laughed the more he farted. Arleen demanded that he sleep on the floor. Billy Joe refused, stating that after 30 years of marriage and this being the first get away vacation they had taken in years he would be damned if he would sleep on the floor. Then he counter demanded that his wife give him a little lovin’.

Billy Joe: "Your honor, I petition the court that it’s my right as a husband to a certain amount of ..."

Dano: "Petition my ass!" Any man who’s been married 5 years knows it isn’t very smart to ask for love at this point, but to demand it not only cancels tonight’s romance but also any goodies you would have got for the next 4 weeks!"

Billy Joe: "But your honor it had been at least 10 days since relations."

Dano: "Silence! It’s red necks like you that give us husbands a bad name. Thank goodness there are red necks like me to restore our reputations."

Billy Joe: "If it please the court Judge Dano, I would ..."

Dano: "Bailiff, one more out burst from that man and you are personally sanctioned by me to double devil backhand slap him senseless. Order in the court, damn it."

Back to the story:

Anyhow one thing led to another and Billy Joe spent the night in a separate motel room by himself. Which leads us back to the moment of truth in this case of a marriage pushed to the breaking point.

Hear yea, hear yea, hear yea, yowzer, yowzer, now comes the Honorable Judge Dano to render final binding judgement. His word is just. His word is law.

It is Dano’s ruling that after an evening of merry making a husband be allowed to experience flatulence in the company of his spouse in the bed chambers. It is further decreed that aforementioned husband be within his rights to cavort, cajole, and otherwise laugh about the passing of gas as the court acknowledges that farts are funny! So let it be written. So let it be done.

Arleen: "You call this justice. You give husbands the right to be gross pigs."

Dano: "Zip it, wench. My judgement is law and my ruling is immutable. How dare you challenge the authority of his honor and the integrity of this court!"

Arleen: "You pompous buffoon, you couldn’t ..."

Dano: "Silence, another disruption from you and I’ll find you in contempt of court and see your fat, sassy butt shipped back to Texas on the next slow moving freight train out of Arizona. Go ahead and piss me off and I’ll make it a steam boat via the Gulf of Mexico. Order in this court, order!"

After the emotions settled down and the full impact of my ruling was absorbed by our two Texas tourists life got back to normal. I recommended Immodium for Billy Joe’s diarrhea, Gas-X for his embarrassing gas and roses on sale in our floral department for his lovely wife. As they left the pharmacy, I could see the two lovebirds were back on track. If Billy Joe followed my secretly whispered advice to whoa up on the partying tonight, keep his mouth shut, and throw in a couple well-timed, "yes dears." He was definitely going to score tonight.

There you have it, loyal followers, a brand new law that is destined to add clarity, understanding, and harmony to all American - nay - all world wide marriages courtesy of yours truly.

 

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