I Like Cafes
Today we have way too many trendy, chic eating establishments which supposedly offer a
wide variety of unique/exciting food fare and exotic high class atmosphere. The food is
mediocre and overpriced.
Whatever happened to all the old fashioned cafes that used to abound in America?
I’ll tell you, what happened! They faded out with all the old fashioned red-necks
like me that used to eat there. The American Cafe - home of basic meat and potatoes.
Platters, man-sized sandwiches, wholesome veggie sides, pie for dessert, and of course,
hot black coffee or cold ice tea to drink. The atmosphere is down-to-earth and the prices
are reasonable. Some flies and a few roaches are allowed by definition. God put them in
cafes for a reason. The reason being, to chase off yuppies, rich snobs, and other
undesirables!
Even though I’m not Catholic, I agree with the Pope’s statement that when
Jesus said, "My father’s kingdom has many mansions," he also implied that
these mansions are surrounded by greasy spoons, truck stops , and cafes.
There are restaurants that want you to think they are cafes when they are not. How do
you tell the real ones from the pretenders? That’s why I’m here. If you are
unsure if you and your family are dining at a bonafide cafe, or not, you can use some of
my basic tests to decide the matter once and for all. The best and easiest way to know is
to treat Dano (that’s me) to a free meal, apple pie and coffee at you chosen diner
and I’ll know the answer with 100% guarantee accuracy after the second piece of pie
and third cup of coffee. But alas, I can only eat so many meals in a week and I do have to
work for a living.
Beware of restaurants with cafe in the name that are obvious fakes. For instance, I
drove by an "El Toro Cafe" today. That’s obviously a Mexican food
restaurant. Mexican food places are not cafes, but a cafe can serve Mexican food. "I
didn’t know that, Dano," you say. Well now you do - that’s what I’m
here for.
Then there’s the "Mabel" test. You sit down to eat in what you think is
an old fashioned diner or cafe. When your waitress asks for your order - you say, "
Is Mabel working today?" She will tell you, "I’m Mabel or Mabel works on
Tuesday or Mabel doesn’t work here anymore." If it’s the real thing, 95% of
all cafes have a waitress named Mabel or have had one in the past.
Look for cop cars in the parking lot or cops in the restaurant. Especially old, fat,
pie eating ones that aren’t college educated. A good sign. A parking lot scan should
reveal a healthy number of trucks including one or two 18 wheelers. However, all truck
stops are not cafes. Sad to say, many truckers do not know that. Another excellent test is
to study the cooks, waitresses, and general help. At least a third of them should have
that unmistakable fat, happy, stupid look about them.
A subtle qualifier is the decaffeinated test. If the place serves decaffeinated coffee
it’s a bad sign. Not an automatic disqualifier though.
Finally, fried is not a dirty word. The menu should contain many
fried food items.
If you are gratefully enlightened on cafes and wish to know more meaningful things see
future topics on Dano says...
