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Make It Idiot Proof

Society has so many wonderful devices, products, and things today. Problem is, they aren’t idiot proof! That’s where the world is in need of my new company’s service. Only Dano could be president of Make it Idiot Proof (MIIP). Consider the following examples of inventions that didn’t go through MIIP first.

The simple garden rake - long wood handle and short, thick, curved prongs to scratch the earth with. Any simpleton can use it without screwing up, right? Wrong! Three famous wise men Moe, Larry, and Curly have shown you on numerous occasions what can go wrong. "Where did you put the rake numb skull?" "Look over there Moe" Step, whizz, pow - right between the eyes!! Yep - you lay it down in the grass, later you step on the prongs, and it smacks you in the face. If this device had gone through the MIIP, buyers would need a permit to own the thing. There would be a 10 day waiting period while a thorough background check is preformed. If stupidity ran in the family or if the buyer was found to be an idiot - the permit would be denied. If the certified idiot persisted in trying to acquire the rake the authorities would be contacted and fat, red necked cops would be dispatched to the scene where they would proceed to slap, kick, and generally knock the ever lovin’ shit out of the perpetrator. Finally is there were no big fat red necked cops in the locale, MIIP would have them flown in from the nearest vicinity.

The pedestrian crossing light seems easy enough. It flashes "walk" and then "don’t walk". However, it is not fool proof. I have personally seen people who are more than half way across the street run back to where they started from when "don’t walk" flashes. Once a befuddled old couple froze like a deer caught in the headlights of an 18 wheeler after midnight. I and the other well meaning motorists blared our horns at them snapping them out of their stupor and they managed to amble across the walk way. The patent holders of this product need to contact Make it Idiot Proof today!

The new improved "Dano-fied" pedestrian crossing light works like this: it flashes "walk" then "5 seconds left - run like hell" and then "don’t walk now" it’s fool proof.

There are companies who design computer systems who think they don’t need to come see me at MIIP. They believe that a help desk makes their hardware and software idiot proof. Nope - ask the poor help desk person who talks to buffoons all day long. At the end of a long day this stupid imbecile calls complaining that his computer is doing flip flops. Every time he pushes the foot pedal the computer wacks out. "Excuse me sir, that is a mouse, not an accelerator." Wait a minute, you say, Dano is a stupid imbecile. Okay - okay - you got me. I’ve done that one myself. But my co-workers were able to connect me so I wouldn’t humiliate myself in front of the help desk.

All computer systems and equipment do not have adequate stupidity protection. One of the first things, Dano does for these people at MIIP is put "not a foot pedal" stickers on all computer mice. It goes uphill from there. For very complex computer systems it may not be possible to make it idiot proof. Dano provides a final solution. MIIP installs a self destruct mechanism which can be activated remotely by the help desk. After the same idiot has frustrated and pushed help desk personnel beyond the limits of human patience, a supervisor and Dano each take a key from a safe, these keys are turned simultaneously in the control console. At this point, Dano contacts the moron and informs him/her that computer will blow in five minutes taking a portion of the home or business with it. If the person persists in hopeless stupidity, Dano offer six minutes of top level help desk service to the jackass for free. These companies need to call me. It’s not going to be cheap, but it will be well worth the effort. I’m running a special for the next 2 weeks. The first five Dano fans, that solicit my services get them for free!

 

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