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Why Not Mail Order Brides?

Just recently I was thinking that the divorce rates in the United States were way too high and that there must be a cure for this modern problem. I cranked up the mighty Dano brain, consumed an order of biscuits and gravy, a bowl of chili, a pot of coffee, and a piece of rhubarb pie. Then I had it, a terrific headache and indigestion.

Actually a toothless, smelly, grizzled, old varmint walked into my pharmacy with the answer, mail order brides. His great grandfather was a smelly, grizzled, old varmint/prospector during the gold rush and his great grandmother was a mail order bride. The marriage was long and went the distance. His grandfather abandoned grandmother and family, his dad and himself had both been divorced. They did not have mail order brides. I bought the old jasper a bottle of ripple to reward him for his inspiration and to get him the hell out of my pharmacy before he ran off any paying customers.

I began to research the possibilities. To find a solution, for all the unfortunate men like myself with failed marriages. Yes, its true faithful followers, Mrs. Dano is in the final stages of dumping her dysfunctional spouse. She’s had too many years of putting up with my sorry ass and enough is enough. That’s her side of the story any ways.

I don’t know about the rest of you disheartened divorced American males, but I am in the mood to get out the Sears and Roebuck brides catalogue and order me up a new one. There’s only one problem. There isn’t such a catalogue! Now, I know some of you are thinking that Dano has really lost it this time. But, stop and consider that the current system for love and happiness is not working. Think of the kids for God’s sake.

In contrast to today’s romances, mail order brides produced a high percentage of permanent marriages - until death do us part. Makes you want to cry, doesn’t it? It began in the rugged old west where available women were in short supply. Life was harsh and a single woman who wished to settle in the west would have a hard time surviving without a husband to care for her. There were many adventurous explorers, prospectors, and entrepreneurs who had gambled and found their fortune in the wide open, untamed west and were willing to pay top dollar for a good woman. The economy in the east was in the dumps and many young eligible gals were desperate to find a man who could offer them a better life. Thus, the birth of the mail order bride catalogue. This was back in the good old days when men were men, women were women and the sheep lived in fear.

The reason why this thing worked so well, was that everything was laid out up front. The catalogue showed an accurate photo of the young lady followed by a half page of background. Another half page was devoted to what the lassie wanted and expected in a man. Finally there was the price. Non-negotiable cash or certified check. The man was required to send an accurate photo of himself with payment. The lady was required to pick one of the offers within six months. If only one offer, she was bought. Twenty percent went to the company, forty percent to the bride and forty percent to her family. Upon receipt of the goods, the groom-to-be signed an agreement, witnessed by three upstanding members of the territory not to abuse or mistreat the bride-to-be. She then signed a paper (also witnessed) not to nag or try to change the mister. The beauty of this set up was the 90 day pre-marriage trial period. During this time the man could cancel the agreement with a money back guarantee less shipping and handling costs. The rejected merchandise was required to be sent back undamaged to the company by stagecoach, train, wagon train, or pony express within 30 days.

It’s an old solution to a modern problem. I need your help, true Dano believers. How do we initiate this plan in today’s world without running a foul of society’s laws, rules, and regulations?

You know the things that have always made Dano’s life difficult! I anxiously await your responses.


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