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Get Religion - At a Discount Price

Today, I see a healthy interest in religion, church, and matters of a spiritual nature. Maybe it’s due to older baby boomers and the gradual aging of our population. Whatever the reason, there is intense competition for the potential new converts from numerous churches and diverse faiths. Let’s face it, what fuels much of this competition is the prize of the new church member’s donation dollars to his new religion. Money and religion, religion and money. I’m here to tell ya, can’t have one without the other. Once again Dano has spotted the unmet need here. Why am I the only one who thinks of these ideas? Don’t let Dano’s appearance fool you. He may look like a fat, four eyed, coffee drinking, greasy spoon eating, big Buick driving dork. He may sound like an insane, chauvinistic, opinionated, stupid red-neck. But beneath that clever disguise, lies one of the greatest minds of our time.

Every week the newspaper lists the latest mortgage rates from the major home loan institutions in the area. Also listed are the savings and C.D. rates from banks, credit unions, and other financial entities who are all vying for your business. Now we shall have the weekly tithing rates, donations, expectations, and associated conditions listed by major religious denomination.

For instance, let’s say you’ve been wavering between the Lutheran church your Mom’s family goes to and the free Methodist congregation attended by your girlfriend. What do you do now, sport? I’ll tell you what you do - you open the Sunday paper to “Dano’s Heavenly Rates and Conditions” section. Then and only then can you get some religion, boy - based on the pertinent facts. An informed decision.

Whoa! Lookout. Steer away from that Southern Baptist “used car salesman hype”. First year tithe rate, 7.9% APR, with new member $500 non-refundable deposit. (the small print) “Rates subject to change without notice. Remember Jesus loves you and only by baptism of water and through Jesus Christ can ye be saved!” What a way to save ladies and gentlemen on your way to paradise. Come see us Sunday at your nearest Southern Baptist Church and get your free pass to the catfish fry on Wednesday at Gilley’s pond.

Back to our example. You see that the Lutheran rate is down to 8.5%, good for a year. Also they are giving a 15% year end rebate for new eligible bachelors. Methodist still offering 8.25% plate rate with six months exemption from bingo night gambling input. Well that settles it then! You’ve decided to become a pillar of strength for the Lutheran congregation - for uh - at least a year until you get that hot rebate check in your hand, besides you’re lucky at bingo. Usually about break even or come ahead a little.

Let us take a sneak peek at some of the other deals in this weeks

Heavenly Rates and Conditions

Catholic
Total package based on plate donations, love offerings, bingo night, suppers, and other money producing events. Needs to equal 5% to 10% depending on family size and family income. Special for those who join our faith this month includes two confession punch cards for everyone in your family. Go to four confessions and get credit for the fifth confession while you play. Father Flanagan is praying for your soul while you make par on the 9th hole! Also free holy saint action figures while supplies last. (Sorry, sold out of St. Peter already.)

Jewish
Lengthy conversion process. Don’t delay, be one of God’s chosen people today. Financial obligations to be discussed upon completion of program. Such a deal we have for you! Get a leg up on promising career in the entertainment and movie industry with your new found Jewish clout. Key openings still available in banking and finance and, of course, the jewelry business.

Mormon
10% tithe, firm. However, substantial discounts possible with addition of second and third wife. Tithe is reduced for every child after seventh child. Thirteen children qualifies family for 10 year elimination of tithe responsibilities. Fifteen children puts you in the running for one of five new homes given away annually (raffled homes located in Salt Lake City). Sign up this month and get free baptism for three dead relatives.

Presbyterian
Rates vary between 7% to 10% depending on income tax bracket and number of children. As a member of our exclusive congregation one enjoys prestigious social contacts and invaluable business connections.

Muslim
Allah’s will be done and Allah’s bill be paid. Details worked out at local mosque. Don’t wait, come on down today and see why. The people that bow low and pray to the east, get spiritual rewards the most, while paying out of pocket the least and go to heaven by turning infidels to toast.

Buddhist
Rates are highly variable. Labor and service to God can be substituted for money. This week only, new Buddhist will be granted one year exemption from shaved head and goofy toga wardrobe.

Jehovah’s Witness
10% basic tithe with many opportunities to reduce donation requirement based on your personal circumstances. Free life time subscription of the Watch Tower. Hurry before all 144,000 seats to heaven are filled!

Hindu
Attractive cash plus service package. Amount determined by assigned caste. This month's special - new converts will be guaranteed next reincarnation is no lower than a dog no matter how much bad karma accumulated to date. The cow is still sacred but for $1,000 prayer club membership card you can partake of enhanced dish of fowl and fish to go with standard veggie fare.

Franciscan Monk
Life long service required. One time waiver from cloth sack robe and bare feet on stone cold floors. Commit soon, offer good for 90 days only!

Amish
Gotta be 10% bro! This month free horse and buggy for conversion of family of four or more. Hey ladies, clogging shoes now available in colors. Our church offers fantastic savings on your future electric bills.

Hare Krishna
We get a lot of your money and you get salvation. Go to heaven, do not pass go, we already collected your $200. Join us this summer and receive one year pass from panhandling in airports.

Moonies
One time donation, good for life. $100,000 or all you’ve got. This week only get six month exemption from selling flowers, on the street. Also $1,000 finders fee paid for every new member you bring in. (New member must stay programmed for at least 12 months.)

Keep the faith loyal reader and don’t forget to pray for Dano - Lord knows he needs it!

 

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